We cannot change the past but we can change our attitude towards it.
Do you ever experience the past haunting you? When life is not going well find yourself looking back for someone to blame or forward as a means of escape.
‘You will never amount to anything’ was my mother’s favourite saying. ‘A Jack of all trades and master of none’, was another directed at me. It crushed any confidence or dreams I had about what I might become. I was 24 before I found some semblance of myself when I was accepted into nurse training. Happy days those were. Laughter, tears and good friends. I started as an auxillary and it wasn’t until some senior nurse asked me if I had considered training that I suddenly saw a world of opportunity opening for me. None the less, over the following years I carried a deep sense of shame that I would be discovered as a fraud. Even on the day of exam results I envisaged a tap on the shoulder and a whispered apology for a terrible mistake about my results. In all the career moves that followed the anxiety never really left. With each success came more confidence and my fear of failure somehow made me more determined to succeed.
That was in 1969 and now we are in 2017.
Looking back on life serves no purpose but it’s difficult not too. ‘If onlys’ can be painful and guilt ridden. If only I hadn’t remarried. If only I had not said this or that.
What purpose does it serve because we are where we are however we got here. As much as we desire it we cannot control the future. We make plans but the future is an illusion it does not exist and soon turns into memory. Here and now is the only reality and in that split second we often make decisions that can change life.
There are aspects of my past I would change and there are things I would like to happen in the future that are now unattainable.
I used to wonder if life was some kind of test for something better. Now as an older woman I know it isn’t, we are here to do the best we can with what we have. It isn’t really a test it’s just life.
We are born, we live and then we die, in the final maybe we all hope to be remembered for something good.